Lately, I have realized just how superficial of a person I am and I hate it. I hate how my drive for certain things come from the notion of looking better than another person. My goal of becoming a physician, which isnt fueled entirely by a superficial cause, but it does boil down to the fact that I want to be respected, and be seen as a professional. The fingers of this troubling way of thought reaches into other areas of my life.
Business for my father could not be better. I'm truly happy for him. It is nice to see my father begin to be visually happy again. Some time ago, he always said he was, but never acted in that fashion. Recently, his behavior shows this trend of happiness more and more. Like I said, I'm truly happy for him and it is comforting to know that there will be more money in the bank. The conclusive thought I reach is simply this, how will I benefit from it? Will I get a better car? Will I buy more expensive clothes? Will life be better because of a bigger income, one I had no part in earning. It makes me feel so spolied and so undeserving. I truly love my parents. I truly appreciate them for every opportunity they have given me, which have been more than enough. It frustrates me to know that my way of thinking is this. Me. Me. Me. My life is better because of my father, because of his generosity. It helps my life to be easier, and become increasingly easier as his good will grows and grows.
My dad, and brother, own a car for their business. It is a Mercedes E350 4Matic, made in 2007. It is a truly beautiful car. My dad today, on the way to the mall, mentioned that in three years the car would be paid off. He then asked if I would like to have it when the financing was done. I couldn't tell if he was kidding around, probably so, but, even the idea of it, made me happy. A smile appeared on my face as I imagined driving it, showing it off to my friends, taking dates out in it. All this emotion, from a piece of steele.
It is a difficult line to draw. Are you suppose to take pleasure in materalistic things, if so how much? When does it become that your total happiness relies on materialism, and when does it occur that you take no emotion from the things you own and have bought? Is it wrong to take such pleasure from an item like this? I always believed emotions should be derived from more substanial things. Like gathering happiness from accomplishing your goals, finding another person to be happy with. Who knows. I am just rambling on now