Decisions

Why are some decisions so difficult to decide? Why am I so hesitant to 'pull the trigger'. It is likely because I am insecure, and far, far too, afraid of making a decision. The thought process boils down to an image of me facing probing questions, having to defend my self, and being unable to do so. The result is me appearing as an idiot. Making a mistake, means I'm human, means I'm weak. Why is that such a difficult notion to fathom. I used to pride my self on being different; it is likely because of the depression that has warped my mind. The feelings are a backhanded compliment, really. It is enjoyable to know that you are not similar to others, but, at the same time, it is difficult to realize you do not have much commonground with people, making it incredibly difficult to associate with people who don't adhere to a non main stream culture of thought. It should be easier, but its not; its the resulant cause of depression.

I find regrets incredibly difficult to face. They just seem to further increase this stereotype of my self that I have of me being a complete idiot, that I'm lacking all remote intelligence. If I was smarter, I would not be having this regret. Battling through this thought, with the idea that all regrettable things have consequences to learn from, does not always soothe such frustrations. I'm still mired by decisions, whether or not I choose to accept that, even if it does fail, I will learn something either way. Learning each and everyday is, what I believe, to be the purpose of life.

Lately, all I've wanted to do was get laid. It has been killing me. The last time it wasn't all that great. The best part was getting to demean her, but it was meaningless. I didn't appreciate it as much as I should have, or as much as other people lead on they do. It just felt bland, really. *******, is the name of a girl I began talking to off the internet. It has progressed to the point of us having plans to meet on friday. Before this, though, I called her so I could get a better image of the person she is. The phone call ended in disappointment. She was self centered and self absorbed. My words would have been better appreciated by a deaf person. Leading sentences I dropped, for her to pry more questions from me, failed. The bait was left untouched. Against my judgment, I asked her out for friday just to try and get some. Pretty terrible, I know. She is interested in me. Its literally been an enternity since I can remember a girl being legitimately interested in me. Maybe I'm just being too picky. Am i? heh