Tuesday, May 12, 2009


A lot of the days I slug through in, what seems to be, my meaningless life, I welcome death. Wanting to die, and contenplating death well before one's time, is, by society's standards, needless.

Your days on this earth are numbered; they should be cherished. People know this, and people practice this idea by avoiding activities, like smoking, that causes illness, that causes a decrease in your life span. They wake up happy. They look forward to the opportunities the new day brings them and they function at a normal level. They welcome another day in their lives.

This all makes sense if you enjoy your life, like the majority of people do, but I don't. Society can not understand this because it is not the norm. How can you not enjoy life? I'm not sure. I think I may be wired incorrectly. Like, some people were programmed just to see the good in all situations but I seem to be the opposite. My life is dragged down with negativity created by own poor self esteem and self consciousness. The string that pull my life down, and down, seem to be tethered with past memories that only contribute to my negativity. I wake up expecting nothing positive will happen, and it is reinforced by my own self made negativity. It may stem from my self image, that I perceive to be nothing worthwhile, that crates this feeling that I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to have the things I desire. I don't deserve to be happy.

So, I welcome death. The thought that my suffering one day will end is comforting. Of course, I would rather the day be sooner than later, which leads to contenplating the act of suicide. Knowing that I can stop all this pain, and make all this go away in a moment's time, makes me actually look forward to something. Your once formed preconceived notions of death come crashing down because all that matters are your emotions. Suddenly the word death does not embody fear, it creates a peace that spreads across you like wind on a flat plane. It is sad to say, that I actively look forward to my death, whatever way it comes.

Those who say it is a selfish act know nothing of the suffering. The majority of the people who dispense this idea have never been depressed. It is an unfair and uninformed statement. No one wants to feel bad. The death of a person, obviously, creates emotional insult and these people do not want to deal with it. They are scared of dealing with the outcomes that are associated with a death. They simply do not want to deal with the emotions that are produced. I think it is absurd to have a person ask you to slug through a life you hate, a life you despise, just so they can wake up the next morning and not have anything to feel bad about, just so things can be perfectly fine for them. Things have never ever been fine for me. Things have never even been even okay. If I want to exercise an option to stop the life I hate so much, I should be able to do so freely and without judgment from those who know nothing of my despair.

I simply do not feel like writing anymore tonight.

1 comment:

  1. And yet judgments are what you will receive. I think people's idea of death being a bad thing stems from a religious thought. It would be insulting to your creator and it is something you will pay for with hell. So the line goes.

    As for people's motivations; will we ever know? Do they even know?

    I think what we can agree on is it is your decision. And in that you can realize that you are powerful and do deserve what you desire. So if you desire happiness, keep searching... I hear it's worth it.