Thursday, May 7, 2009


This summer marks many changes in my life that are monumental. The paramedic program I have been enrolled in for the last two years has been completed. My brother is getting married. What university I will be attending to embark on my journey to become a physician will also be decided very shortly. These things seem like they should mean something. I know they would be significant to others, but, to me, they are not. All these decisions are just one big inconvenience after the next. One of the most difficult choices is whether or not I should attend my brother's wedding. There has been a mixed history between us. Days have gone by where we are quite fond of each other, but more of them pass that drives us apart. He frustrates me to an extent I can not clearly write. My decision to attend university, after going to college for two years to become a paramedic, is viewed quite critically by him. It was a waste; I learned nothing. This is not my brother's concern of utmost important, though. It is the fact that I drained my father for so much money during the experience that really irks him. Looking past it, I can see it is my brother's selfishness being portrayed by his words. A greater reservoir of money means a larger financial well for him to dig from. The depression could be ruling me when I say this, but I could care less about his wedding. I, like my family, have strong apprehensions towards his fiancee. We all feel she is superficial. It's not my decision to make. It's his life. And as much as he loves telling me how to live mine, I won't perform the same injustice towards him.

This, my decision, will no doubt hurt him. I will be the truly selfish one then, won't I? Life should be having true freedome in your choices, not making ones to please others. All this shit about people saying this line of thought is wrong because we all have to perform tasks we do not enjoy. It's shit. People, for the most part, say this about their job. Find a job you LIKE. Find a job you WANT to do. It is selfish for people to expect you to slug your way through something you have no desire to do so just so these people can spare themselves the emotional insult. The thought of the result this will inflict towards my brother should cause second thoughts, but it does not. I hurt people emotionally, quite a bit, especially women who I don't have respect for. They put themselves in such a position by sleeping with me so readily with the aim that it will please me and I'll think of them with a much higher status. It's not true. You're just a slut to me, like so many others. You desereve to be reformed of your ways. My brother has put himself into this position, as well, by treating me poorly for my entire life. I simply have a hard time respecting him lately.

I guess I'm just a hateful and hurtful person.

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