Hate

Hate is a powerful concept. It is, without a doubt, one of the anchors in depression and furthering it. When I remember being younger, and being depressed, hate was never overwhelming. Now, the emotional weathering is entirely different. I am encompassed by hate. You don't feel hate for others. You don't feel hate for the things around you. You feel nothing but hatred for your self. It is unavoidable.

No one enjoys being depressed. After a while, being depressed is all a person comes to know and it becomes a part of you. Your personality is integrated with depression. Seeing a life without it is incredibly difficult. It is all you know. You imagine your life changing, but you can't see the tangible effects. You can't imagine how your life would be with out depression. It's hard to admit that depression is this stripping, but means this much in your life. It technically makes the person you are because it shapes your desires and goals. I currently have no desire to do anything whatsoever. 

I visited a friend today and he asked me a challenging question. How do you see your life without depression? I could not answer; I was at a true loss for words. I can't see my life without this disease, this robbing force. The feeling is comforting in a way because its predictable. You know, regardless of whatever happens, it will always be there. It's something you can expect. Stability and predictability are things human rely on to feel grounded. Believing that you could actually be stabilized in some aspects is difficult to comprehend. It is something that could only actually be understood by someone who has faced the disease. 

My life should be good, by conventional standards. I'm intelligent. I'm respected by my peers. I'm well educated. The result is two diplomas. I have been accepted to a number of universities. I will ultimately pick one and begin the journey of becoming a doctor. I have a car. My family is not poor. These are things that make my self expect to be happy. It doesn't though because all I can truly dwell on are the negatives. It seems that what all of society does as well. Maybe they are just better at dealing with their short comings, or maybe they just don't let themselves be affected by them to such an extent. One good example of that I can fathom is plastic surgery. This is one negativity of a person's physical appearance that is said to be so lacking it needs to be reconstructed. I pose the question, is depression caused by external responses of society, of comparing one's self to what is normal and to be expected? Probably, that is how all mental illness is defined as, symptoms that are not concurrent with the majority of the population. Who knows...