Friday, May 8, 2009


I wish my life was different; I wish I was a different person. My emotions are so volatile and rapidly shift from depression to happiness in mere minutes. Today, for 90 minutes, I believed ******* had cancelled on me. My senses could only focus on the resulting emotions from this prediction. Some time after, when these fears were shot down, I returned to my normal functioning state.

Later in the day, I met her. I am not too sure how it went. They were no extended awkward silences. I was pretty funny. She expressed this by laughing quite frequently. I had an okay time. She did drone on somewhat, though. When she left, she gave me a hug and mentioned she enjoyed the time we spent together. Smiling, ******* also said we should spend more time together in the near future. I left feeling unfufilled. The words didn't seem to hold any truth to me. I feel I performed terribly. Your own worst critic is your self, and this rings wholly true for me in this situation. All I can dwell on are the negatives. My attitude towards the situation is purely indolent. I hoped she would have texted me, but she hasn't. If she was interested, I imagined she would. These logical statements can be misleading, and downright harming to myself and whatever attempt at a relationship we have exists. The uncertainty is frustrating. I can not truly decide whether or not I will call her again. Simply because of the fact, that I am afraid of facing rejection. It wouldn't have been so bad if it was before our meeting had occurred, but afterwards when we meet it feels like she really does know more of me, and shes rejecting more of me as a person, not an imagined face behind a computer screen or telephone receiver.

Driving home alone made me wish we were spending more time together. I played imaginative scenarios of how the night would have unfolded. I wanted to kiss her; she is really cute. I wanted to tell her this. I wanted to text her as I was driving and tell her I had a good time and I thought she was really cute, but I felt too vulnerable even thinking about it. It's just a game isn't it. It all derives from my emotional instability. I should feel confident. I should assume she is interested. I shouldn't be thinking such romantic notions after the first date. It seems silly to say such affectionate things to a girl I hardly know. Even writing this shows that I'm quite uncertain. It is frustrating. Acting rather than thinking is so difficult for me. People tell me I should just push forward and do what I want. I'm far too critical. I'm far too conscious of my behavior. It just means I'm too worried about what she might think. I'm weak. I'm insecure. I'm unstable.

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