Why do so many bad outcomes, emotions and events start with the letter D?
Doubt fills me. The best example I can use is that of a pool. When I first began my life, I was optimistic, cheerful, and excitable to the external enviornment. Then as I aged, doubt became existant in my life. I first entered the shallow end of a pool; the water was up to my knees. It never was an issue. It was always manageable, delt with by whatever coping resources I have. As the disease progresses, as I become more and more depressed, I slinked further into the pool, further to the deep end. Before I know it, the water is over my head. I'm drowning. I'm drowning in this doubt. Like water in my lungs, it incapacitates me. It renders me useless. The desire to do anything is absent, fueled by this undying doubt.
Since I can remember, I have wanted to be a physician. It is what I envision my future career to be. I don't believe I have the capacity to become one. Throughout elementary and high school, I was labeled as an idiot, a person who is unfit for higher post secondary education. The notion that I would become a professional by any one of my teachers was laughable to them. This image is branded deep into me. I'm still stupid. I'm still an idiot. I'll never be able to become a doctor. I'm simply not intelligent enough. In the last two years of my life, I discovered that becoming a physician isn't a whim; its a career that I KNOW is for me, and would be fitting to my personality. The future interview can be played in my head so readily. "Well, ****** why do you want to become a doctor?" My response would probably be "Suffering from bipolar, and being a manic depressive, I found the symptoms were alleivated and I felt truly happy when I was helping others, and making a noticable difference in their lives". It is the only reason I want to be one. It helps me to earn that piece of happiness I'm so starved for.
The last two years of my life was spent at a college, studying to become a paramedic. I normally scored above average on tests, scenarios and exams. People who supervised me during my practicum noted me to be intelligent, competent, caring and having great potential. A lot of other people did not receive such great praise. One of the professors took a liking to me. He had a very high opinion of me. He stated that I was intelligent, competent and had great potential. Why am I mentioning this? It doesn't mean ANYTHING to me. I took no value from this, or emotional gratitude. It was valueless. Others would have took great pride in this, but I couldn't. Why did people tell me this? Maybe they were lying. Maybe the people just felt sorry for me. Maybe it was pity. It's doubt. Theres proof that I'm intelligent, to the point of having the ability to be a doctor, which would battle the life long belief that I'm simply 'not smart enough', but the proof is defeated. It means nothing. The belief that I'm stupid stands strong, and seems impenetrable.
The outcome of this goal, I can see ending in two different ways. One, I do gain acceptance to a medical school and I do become a doctor, but, like everything else in my life that I've accomplished, it will mean nothing to me. I will not be able to take pride or happiness in those letters behind my name, and the ability to practice medicine. That, or I will not get in. Either way I'll still be unhappy and lack any pride whatsoever.
Doubt is everywhere else in my life, but I'm tired of writing. I hate knowing how messed up I am. The writing is just a reiteration of it. It does help to get my thoughts, ideas, and emotions out, though.
I would like to welcome Silver to Isolation. He will be a contributing author.
This blog is now public.