Monday, May 4, 2009

Hope

I wonder what hope really means. It is a word I throw around far too loosely. Everyone hopes for better things. Everyone wants a better and more rewarding tomorrow, and, all of us, we hope for one. My definition for hope is to believe that a positive course of action will occur in the future, one that will benefit you emotionally or in any other means. Like I said, people hope for betterment of their lives. In a way, the word, hope, is simply a prediction. People are forecasting the future and imagining the results of it are in their favour. To me, that is what hope is. It may sound silly to analyze a word so critically, but let me be more precise.

I believe the life a person lives is the result of who that person is. Basically, you make your own life. You decided your decisions and you do the things you want to. Your life is a blank slate, and you, the artist, are simply creating vividness to this moldable object. This is why I try my best to not be foolish and speak errenous words such as "I hate my life" because, the truth is, I do not hate my life. I hate my self. The word hope, to me, represents laziness to a degree. I'm talking about hope in the literal sense, not the "I hope the red light is green before I get to it". I mean "I hope I feel better tomorrow". These are things I say to my self during episodes of manic depression. I would like to believe that other people say comforting things as well, but you're uncertain. If you are my age, you are even uncertain of how many people that you know are actually depressed, further creating this sense of isolation. I believe you have the power to shape your life, and your emotional well being, to an extent. When people say the word in such terms as these, it just seems like a cop out. It seems like an excuse. It just a passive form of change and self improvement. Guilt falls upon me. I have said the same exact things, and I still do. Perhaps I'm not lazy, maybe I'm just comfortable in the world I know. Sometimes you want to get help, but, sometimes, you just feel that you are too far gone. You are beyond the grasps of help and intervention. Days pass by as I think in my head today will be the day I'll book a doctors appointment and receive help. Then you wonder what your life will be when you reach the bright light at the end of the tunnel, and you eventually learn the fact that you won't be able to see anything once you reach that point.

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