Thursday, June 18, 2009

Desire

It has been a while since I have last wrote in my blog. The reason is that I simply have not felt the need to write in my journal because life has been, the best word would be, manageable. Resulting emotions have simply been that, okay, but nothing great, nothing good. Sometimes I live my life and it feels like that I am merley skimming the surface of what this world has to offer because I am held back by this depression. Deceiving times of glimpse happiness make me believe that I am over this disease, that the shackles are free and I will never return to the dark, gloomy, prison of my mind that I know far too well. The thought is a fallacy. It is untrue, and always will be. Then I question how much happiness does a person exactly feel in their days? Is happiness rare to experience? Or is it a constant baseline of backround emotion, never in full prominence but not absent. My blog, and its writings, make me think I should be a psychology student, rather than a science one. Thats the problem, though, I do not know what I want. This emotion to desire experiences, events, achievements is lost. Pictures of it should be on the side of milk cartons "HAVE YOU SEEN ******'S DESIRE?" The simplest decisions to conclude are a tedious and bothersome task. The line of thought leads me down a path of cognitive pursuit that makes me ponder whether this all stems my lack of confidence, or, if this lack is caused by the depression. Do I hate my self because of the depression, or is it simply because of the person I chose to be.

I hate my self at times. Validating facts that oppose negative thoughts, beliefs and incapabilities, offer little relief. For example, I feel that I am unattractive, ugly, but women seem to challenge this opinion. I'm cute. I'm hot. It does not cool this damaging belief of mine. I am incredibly unintelligent. I get good grades, but that's just because the professor marks easily, and gives simple exams/tests. These contradicting outcomes, these that oppose my negative views, are temporary. It seems that the negative beliefs are constantly fueled, never ceasing. They are powered by an infinite source.

As I have dated a number of women recently, I am begining to fear that I am unable to feel attraction that exists on a psychological plain. The conversation shared is great, enlightening and comical, but I feel no spark. It is quite difficult to explain that, but I feel no real charge. To me, it only seems like it would be logical to like them, that it would be the correct course of action because they fufill what I apparently perceive to be attractive qualities and features in a mate. I simply feel that I am going through the steps because I should. The attraction, the emotion, it never seems to be the same as I once remembered it. I had a date a few nights ago. She enjoyed it. I, on the other hand, felt quite apathetic for the whole outing. Words parted from her lips and I could not find the energy to concentrate on them. My mind began to wander at all the other many things I would rather be doing at that time. The date then proceeded at my house, where we watched a movie. I sat slumped against my wall, as she laid on my bed. Thoughts began to race intently. I havent finished replaying mass effect. I would rather be on the computer, researching medical schools and course requirements. I would rather be perfecting my schedule for school in Septemeber. I would rather be laying alone and reading. I would rather be going for ice cream by my self. I would rather be at the gym. I would rather be downloading new sets. I would rather be looking for new movies to download. I would rather be with my friends. Later in the night, her body language was quite suggestive but visibly subtle. I guess all those books, ebooks and message boards, about deducing a woman's desires upon her body language were acurate. As we laid across from one another, she became quite forward; her body language became more pronounced. A tug of war in my mind started. Should I kiss her? It makes sense that I should. She is funny, cute, and I have a good time with her, but this weighting notion of there not being a deeper emotional 'spark', 'feeling', whatever you want to call it, pulls forcibly against my logical manner. I sighed, as she peered into my eyes, laughing, smiling. An overwhelming urge to cry struck me down. This is what I wanted, or at least I thought I did. This cute, gorgeous, girl in my bedroom, laying across from me, who seems truly interested in on me on a romantic level. It doesn't fill the void. It does not feel all that great. It seems its as unchallenging to dismiss as a simple shrug of the shoulders. More intuition is learned about my emotions, and my functioning on a psychological level. The areas that in my life that appear to be lacking are focused and dwelled upon. These insuffiences are what hold me back, are what make me think is the key, is the answer, is the cure, but they're not. I have what I wanted, and I am still depressed. I am still unhappyy. I am still depressed. It is an unending defeating cycle. What am I suppose to say? I should like you, but I don't. I'm not sure if it because of the depression, or youre just not what I'm lookng for.

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